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He said the marriage is … not for love

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Letter from Jamaica
Letter from Jamaica (Photo credit: aditza121)
Marriage March 2013
Marriage March 2013 (Photo credit: American Life League)
Marriage Day
Marriage Day (Photo credit: Fikra)
English: Coat of arms of Jamaica. Español: Esc...
English: Coat of arms of Jamaica. Español: Escudo de Jamaica. Русский: Герб Ямайки. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear Pastor,

I want to know if what I am about to say is love. I am with my fiancé for four years. We were living together until I left Jamaica to live overseas. Every year I go to Jamaica to be with him and to take care of him. And even though I live overseas, I have never cheated on him or talk to another man.

Pastor, some tragedy occurred in my family and I had to go to Jamaica. And while I was there, I found evidence that he sent post card and photos to someone who has his last name. I knew something was wrong. To cut a long story short, I found out that he got married for over a year. I asked him about it and he told me that he got married to get his papers to live abroad, but it was not for love. But, pastor, he had asked me to marry him and we were planning our wedding for the year 2014. So I asked him why he did not tell me that he got married. And he said he didn’t want to hurt me because he would get through and go away, then divorce her and marry me.

I got hold of the woman’s number and I called her and she told me he was lying to me. I told him what the lady said and that I would leave him; he said no I should not leave him because the marriage is not for love. He cried and begged me to stay with him. This woman is 20 years older than he is. I don’t know what to do because I love him, but I know he has been lying to me for a long time.

He calls me each morning and we talk until I reach work. When I am on break at work, he calls. And when I leave work until I reach home, we talk. And we talk at night. He is so jealous. He told me that if I should leave him he would find me and I won’t be able to come back to Jamaica. My kids love him, so I cannot even tell them what he has done to me.

J.C.

Dear J.C.,

You know this man is a liar. So why would you believe what he says to you about his marriage? Perhaps he found this lady and got married to her because he wasn’t sure whether you would marry him. Perhaps he got married to her because he believes that he would get to America faster. Could it be that he is getting money from this woman?

The reason he has given you for marrying her is very poor and it doesn’t make any sense. The woman has told you that he is lying to you. It is really up to you to decide what you should do. He behaves as if he is a con man. What do you think?

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Sweet misery

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English: Welcome sign at Owen Roberts Internat...
English: Welcome sign at Owen Roberts International Airport in George Town, Grand Cayman Island (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
English: Cayman Islands National Museum in Geo...
English: Cayman Islands National Museum in George Town, Grand Cayman (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Marriage Day
Marriage Day (Photo credit: Fikra)
Cayman Islands
Cayman Islands (Photo credit: caribb)

Dear Pastor,

You are doing an excellent job and I trust your advice. I am a 41-year-old female and I just want you to publish this letter so that everyone will be very careful of the people that they meet on dating sites.

Over a year ago, I met a man on a popular dating site. He convinced me that he too was single. He was so persistent that I gave in because I was really impressed with all the attention he showed me. Two weeks after, we met in person and he told me that because of his job he was going away for two weeks on job training, so I could only message him on BBM. He said he was not allowed to use his phone while training, so I couldn’t call him. I believed him and I never called him. I only messaged him.

After the two weeks, he returned and I had no reason to doubt that he wasn’t where he said he was. He was so loving and caring. I felt so blessed to have met him. His phone was always locked. I never fussed with him to remove the lock, but one night he came home half drunk and he forgot to lock his phone. I went through it and I nearly fainted. I check his chat history, and as am sitting here writing, I am crying because this man had two other women and I had no idea that he was involved with someone.

I began to chat with two of them and one of them knew about me. She even knew my name but the other woman is in Cayman. When I called her on his phone, she was so upset. I never slept that night. In the morning when he woke up, I confronted him. The lady who knew about me told me that the two weeks when he said he was in training and couldn’t take any calls was because he was in Cayman with the woman.

I spoke to him about everything because I wanted to end the relationship and he started to cry. He said that he was sorry and he would do anything for me not to end the relationship. I told him he should call the woman in Cayman and put his phone on speaker and tell her its over and that I am the one he wanted. He did exactly that. I wasn’t elated or anything because she sounded hurt and I didn’t want my happiness to be at the cost of someone else’s unhappiness.

The truth is that the two of us are victims of this man. The third lady who told me that he went to Cayman was just in it for the sex because she was married, but her husband lived abroad. After all his unfaithfulness, I remain with this man because I loved him with all my heart.

I forgave him and I asked him to do an HIV test and he did. It was negative and we settled down in a normal relationship or so I thought, not knowing that the worst was yet to come. He was living with his mother but he spent a lot of time at my house. I cooked, I washed for him and I treated him like a husband. When he was at work, I cooked for him and took his meals to him because he doesn’t eat meat.

One day I cooked and I took it to my workplace and told him to come for his and when he came, the first thing I saw was a ring on his married finger. I grabbed his hand and took off the ring. I ran in the bathroom and when I looked inside the ring, his initials were in it along with another initial. And the hurtful truth came to me that he was married. I went back outside and with as much courage as I could manage I returned the ring to him and he drove off.

Pastor, when I returned to work, I couldn’t do anything. I was feeling very ill. I knew I should go to see a doctor but I didn’t want to speak to anyone. I was so hurt and broken hearted, I had to call a cab. When I went home, as soon as I was alone, I cried until my head and eyes hurt badly. He came to my house that same night and what he told me hurt me more than ever. He told me that when we met online he was already engaged to be married but he had lied to me about being single, because if he had told me the truth I wouldn’t be with him. He was right. I would never enter into a relationship with a man who I know is already with someone, even when I was younger I wouldn’t do it much less now.

Pastor, please I don’t understand why I forgave this man again. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I can’t seem to let go off this man. When he is not with me, I can’t sleep or eat and I become miserable. He lies to his wife and says that he is going to sleep at his mother’s house and he would come to sleep at my house.

I have a son and I would like to have another child before it is too late but I can’t make up my mind to have a child by him. I know that he is married and he hasn’t got any kids as yet and it has been two years. Now he is pressuring me to come off the Pill and get pregnant for him.

I went to the doctor and I did a check up and he said he saw no health reason why I couldn’t get pregnant. I am in a good job and I could support my child if I have to alone but I am afraid of taking that step and regretting it. This man has caused me so much pain and he told me so many lies. I am confused and I don’t know what to do.

S.D.

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Divorce Causes: 23 Reasons Marriages End In Divorce, According To Divorced People

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English: Studio publicity portrait of Paul New...
English: Studio publicity portrait of Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Kim Kardashian at the Seventh Annual Hollywood...
Kim Kardashian at the Seventh Annual Hollywood Life Magazine Awards. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Why do some marriages last a lifetime, while some end in divorce? For every pair of marriage lifers (think Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward), there’s a couple like Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, barely making it through two months. Why, though? Are there some behaviors that are just universally destructive to a marriage?

On Wednesday, we asked our followers on Facebook and Twitter to share with us the reasons they think marriages end in divorce.

The responses ranged from a lack of sex, to a lack of positive interaction — one reader even devised a formula: according to him, if there are less than five positive interactions for every one negative interaction, you’re in trouble.

Click through the slideshow below to read the responses, then head to the comments to tell us why you think marriages end in divorce.

Marriages End Because…
17 of 24


“In my case,the person I married was not the person he claimed to be. Only when the mask fell did I realize I was in trouble.”
– @big_red_flag


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Going To Bat For Your Ex? Why?

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Divorce
Divorce (Photo credit: StephenMcleod – International Man of Mystery)
Divorce Your Speed
Divorce Your Speed (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Photo taken by me as an example of a stay at h...
Photo taken by me as an example of a stay at home dad and kids. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Fox Hollies Children's Centre and Hall Green C...
Fox Hollies Children’s Centre and Hall Green Children’s Centre – sign – children’s safety (Photo credit: ell brown)

Befriending Your Ex After Divorce: Making Life Better for You, Your Kids and Yes, Your Ex. Someone called in and in an irate voice asked: “Befriend your ex? Why? What if you hate your ex? What if your ex hates you? What if you were betrayed and cheated on? What if your ex was verbally abusive to you?”

I paused. I took a deep breath. And I wondered what to say.

I understand how angry people can feel in the midst of a divorce, how vicious they can behave when they feel hated, betrayed and cheated. Because when I got divorced, I shared many of those sentiments. I was angry, hurt, resentful and disappointed, not only with my ex, but with myself. In my mind, I had failed at one of the biggest commitments of my life: marriage.

When I became a parent, I believed I would be there for my children forever. I would do everything possible to create a good environment for them. And I knew that getting divorced would disrupt my childrens’ lives; there was no getting away from that. Although I vowed I would be there forever for them, after divorce I found myself with an ex who I didn’t particularly care for. Who I didn’t want a lot to do with. But I knew that children do better when they have two involved parents. So even though we were divorced, my ex would be in my life forever.

In listening to my irate caller, I was torn about how to respond. Although I understood that his emotional response was normal, I have learned one of the very difficult lessons of divorce: a divorced parent’s responsibilities include not only being the best parent, but keeping the other parent in the loop. This translates into helping your ex be the best parent he or she can be — even though, especially in the beginning of my divorce, I’d have preferred if my ex had moved to Mars.

Helping my ex be the best parent he could be? Let me tell you exactly what that meant.

It meant prioritizing my children’s well being. I didn’t have to love or like their father, but I had to respect the significance he had and should have in the rest of their lives.
It meant moving over, making room for his way of being.
It meant being gentle.
It meant letting go of all that happened in our marriage.
It meant creating a new relationship centered solely on co-parenting.
It meant letting go of old scripts, tapes, internalized messages.
One incident early in my divorce stands out. I’d been divorced about a year when my 13-year-old son had a terrible blow up with his father. My son had been sleeping at my ex’s house and during this fight, came running over to my house, crying. Part of me felt tickled that my son saw how angry his dad was. I might have even felt a sense of vengeful satisfaction; now my ex would have to admit he couldn’t manage his temper — something I’d told him for years!
But another part of me saw how upset my son was, being at odds with his dad. And my intuition led me to help my son and his dad repair their relationship. My words were deliberate:

Zach, just because your dad blew up doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. He does. He just can get really angry sometimes. And sometimes we all get angry — too angry. It’s not a good thing but he’s your dad and he loves you.

Even though we were divorced, I went to bat for my ex. I tried to hold in my mind the mantra: Children benefit when they have two involved parents. I tried to treat my ex as I would have if we were still married — with compassion and forgiveness. I know it sounds difficult and maybe flies in the face of what you have been led to believe about how to treat someone who has hurt you deeply, but that is what came to me in that moment.

Comforting my son was first on my agenda. Then I called my ex. I invited him over to my house and when he came in, he apologized for losing it. Eventually, I left the room so he and my son could reconcile. Later, my ex thanked me.

And in the many years that passed between that incident and his death just last year, my ex referred back to that moment frequently.

Perhaps that moment was a turning point, because in the decades that followed, my ex went to bat for me in so many profound and significant ways — sometimes concretely, at other times, emotionally: helping me negotiate with a slippery car salesman, helping me straighten out my mother’s finances when she was diagnosed with dementia, comforting me when our daughter moved to California and I felt bereft, and later on, when my second husband was diagnosed with cancer.

So back to the caller, who wanted to know: why befriend someone you can’t stand?

I told him my answer is both simple and complex. Children need two parents. Your ex may have been an unsuitable mate but still can be a good parent. Helping your ex be the best parent he or she can be will benefit your child and ultimately may benefit you as well. Your mandate now is not only to be a good parent, but to help your child have two loving and involved parents. And even though you and your ex may have failed at your marriage, you can succeed now, and build a strong “after-divorce” family.

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Divorce Or Stay? Parents Must Put Kids First Either Way

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Embarrassing parents - swan duckling
Embarrassing parents – swan duckling (Photo credit: @Doug88888)
Marriage March 2013
Marriage March 2013 (Photo credit: American Life League)
Marriage Day
Marriage Day (Photo credit: Fikra)

Stay together for the sake of the kids? Generations of miserable parents followed that advice, hoping their sacrifices would pay off for their children in the end. Many still believe that it’s the only option for parents stuck in a dead-end marriage.

Based on my own personal experience, I have another perspective. Having been raised by parents that chose to stay together in a miserable marriage, I opt in on the other side. For me, parental divorce is preferable to years of living in a home where parents fight, disrespect one another and children are surrounded by sadness and anger. That’s the world I grew up in and the scars are still with me today, many decades later.

I believe that staying in a marriage only for the kids is a physical choice that doesn’t touch upon the emotional and psychological pain children endure when their parents are a couple in name only. In that environment, there is no positive role model for children to see how marriage can and should be lived. In fact, it makes marriage appear to be something dreaded or to be avoided.

Happiness, harmony, cooperation, respect and joy are all absent when parents are emotionally divorced while still living together. Children feel it, are confused by it and too often blame themselves for their parents’ unhappiness. Consequently, they grow up anxious and guilt-ridden, experiencing little peace in childhood. In many ways, the scars are much the same as for children who experience a poorly handled divorce.

In my opinion, parents who find themselves in an ongoing unhappy marriage who consciously choose to create a child-centered divorce are providing a much better option and outcome for everyone in the family.

My own parents should have divorced early in their marriage. They were both miserable together, had little respect for one another, and raised two children in a home fraught with anger, tension, frequent loud arguments and discord.

I remember my mother asking me one day whether she should divorce Dad. “No,” I cried. I wanted a Mom and a Dad like all the other kids. Although my childhood was miserable and filled with insecurity, I feared what life would be like if my parents were divorced. Mom didn’t have the courage to do it anyway. Those were vastly different times, especially for women, and she continued in her unhappy marriage for decades longer.

Today, looking back, I feel that was an unfortunate mistake. Neither of my parents were bad people. They were both just totally mismatched in a bad marriage. Their communication skills were miserably lacking and they were wrapped up in winning every battle at all costs. The real cost, of course, was the well-being of their children. I believe that each of my parents would have been happier and more fulfilled had they parted ways and remained single or chosen another partner.

That’s why I chose the other route when my own marriage was failing. Because of my childhood experiences, however, I intuitively understood what not to do in divorce. I intentionally worked to create what I call a child-centered divorce. My “was-band” and I co-parented cooperatively, shared the important parenting decisions and maintained a positive relationship for the decade to follow when my son grew from ten to twenty years old. Most gratifying for me was the satisfaction of having my now adult son acknowledge the merits of my co-parenting philosophy and choices.

More than a decade after my divorce, I wrote the book that shared my unique approach to breaking the divorce news to my son. As a grown adult, he is a strong supporter of my child-centered divorce network and wrote the forward to my digital guidebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!

Fortunately, despite my painful childhood, I still believe in marriage and have since happily remarried myself. My advice to unhappily married parents can be summed up succinctly:

If parents have the maturity and determination to get professional assistance before divorce, learn how to positively reconnect and renew their commitment to marriage, that is undeniably ideal. The entire family will benefit and the healing will be a blessing to all.

However, if children are being raised in a war zone or in the silence and apathy of a dead marriage, divorce may open the door to a healthier, happier future for parents and children alike. But parental divorce in itself is never a solution. To give children the best outcome parents must consciously work on creating a cooperative child-centered divorce that puts the children’s psychological well-being first as the basis for all parenting decisions!

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Heidi Klum spotted for first time since Seal split wearing dark glasses – mirror.co.uk

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Heidi Klum with Liza Minnelli at The Heart Tru...
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Heidi Klum spotted for first time since Seal split wearing dark glasses – mirror.co.uk.Why is it people with money is more likely to have a Broken Marriage or Relationship, is it because of unfaithfulness or Greed.

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The Silent Relationship Killer

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English: KiKi Richardson at the Urban Spice Ma...
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What has started out as an easy way of communication has now become a major roll in killing off relationships between your partner and yourselves.
This one is call the beloved TEXT which have been used more and more everyday to commit what they call infidelity because of it’s silence way of communicating, very secretive if one should asked.
Knowing of personal relationships which is been destroyed by the finger of TXT so here we go just watch the reaction when those fingers go topping.

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Forced Marriage Britten

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English: WarsawUprising: Wedding of nurse Alic...
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Is it the right thing to say that the British People if I should put it this way has been now told by the Government to enter in what seems to be a forced Marriage if they needs a Tax break.
Where does the true value of Christian Marriage gone,isn’t it better to look at ways and means of creating a more stable Economy than trying to win votes, have we forgotten how sacred it is when two people are join together in holy matrimonial.
What the Government is suggesting is in no way different from a man telling his daughter or son that if they do not married to the person that they chooses for them then they will be cut off from the family inheritance.
Time to stop interfering in people family life and do the job that you were elected to do.

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Uncategorized

Divorce Rate drop.

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Divorce Your Speed
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Do you know why the Divorce Rate Drop to it’s lowest for 35 years.
It’s not because of Family Values, but because most of us cannot afford the cost and what comes next with it.
Therefore we rather sit tight and take the rough with the smooth especially if our kids are young.
And no one really want to loose their hard earn possession to anyone else.
Let’s no begin to think that the Government bribe is working.

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Uncategorized

Now on to the Cage Fighter.

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Fighter
Image by john-godwin.co.uk via Flickr

As the story goes, the Law has a mind of it’s own because I taught by now Alex Reid would have given up and vacate Jordan‘s mansion, instead he is still hanging on.
He is a man in desperation, a man who will do anything to steal from his ex-partner.
If Alex is any man of such he would put his tail between his legs and move on, why does guys like those without ambition have to exist amongst honest decent men.

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